madwinner | After the 70th Hunger Games [Closed to Finnick]

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After the 70th Hunger Games [Closed to Finnick]

She'd come off stage after her interview without any fight left in her. Annie had been led along by countless prodding hands she couldn't put faces too, urged into the room she'd started all of this in. The interview itself had been horrible to watch, awkward and unnerving for everyone involved. Annie had stared without seeing, answered the first few questions with single words and then lapsed into silence as Caesar Flickerman worked admirably to rescue it. She didn't care. She didn't want to speak to him. She only really wanted to speak to two people. Her Father was miles away, on the edge of the ocean. And the other... well, she didn't know if he would even want to see her now.

Annie lay on the bed, dressed in the shift she'd been wearing under whatever her stylist had dressed her in. Someone must have undressed her, because she didn't even remember putting the dress on, let alone removing it. She saw her body, cleaned and polished after her time in the arena, curled childishly on its side on the bed, but she just couldn't remember how to move it. She didn't have anything any more. Just images that flashed in front of her eyes. Terrible, violent scenes that were painted behind her eyelids whenever she tried to sleep. Everything was that and the canonfire that rang endlessly in her ears.

Annie made a noise, her lips parting slightly. She saw it again. Heard the whistle of something sharp through the air, the look of surprise on his face, the slight widening of his eyes before they fell. Then the crimson shower of droplets, the thud of something heavy hitting the grass... Her gaze was fixed on the wall, but she watched it all again for the hundredth time, oblivious to the door opening or the tread of footsteps.

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Finnick actually started at her kiss - the reaction of someone who hadn't been allowed to make his own decisions on the matter in far too long - but it was only a brief moment before his hand found her cheek and he returned the kiss, more deeply than she had started it, desperate for the contact, for the closeness with her. It was a long kiss, a deep one, and with it, he realized that any doubt he had about his feelings were forever gone. He loved this woman, wholly, completely, without a doubt in his mind. He didn't care what others thought of her - in his eyes, she was perfection.

When he finally broke the kiss, he met her eyes and listened to her words, shaking his head sadly.

"They'd find me. Or they'd find Mags. Or you. And...and Annie, I'm not going anywhere without you."

He paused, unsure of how to say what he wanted to ask her.

"Can you...I can't...Annie, can you love me anyway?"

Annie paused. If they would go after his family, would they go after hers? She didn't think that the Capitol would approve of this, if they could see they way the pair were tangled together. But then she looked into his face, and realised there was no possible way she could become hard and cold enough to shut him out like she'd been thinking. Far from protecting her, it would only destroy her completely, because this was the most human she'd felt since they'd pulled her from the water.

She sighed, absently tracing the line of his jaw with her thumb. However she'd attempted to pass it off back before the arena, before she'd been forced to grow up in several horrific days, she knew this wasn't something she could just forget. She knew she'd been trying hopelessly to convince herself she was feeling something shallow and transient.

"I think I probably loved you ever since I hit you in the face," she told him. But although her tone was fond, it was laced with some resignation, because she knew this wasn't going to be a happy ending. It wasn't going to be easy, even if the Games were over. That was quickly becoming very clear to her.

Finnick closed his eyes, that gentle touch of her finger more precious to him than all the other women he'd loved combined. He leaned into her touch with a gentle sigh, then captured her finger and kissed it.

"You'll forgive me for leaving tonight, then? You'll know that I don't want to, that I want to stay here with you? That I'll be thinking of you the whole time, wanting to leave and come back to you?"

His eyes were big and pleading, hoping that she could understand that what he was doing, he was doing to protect her.

Annie watched him as he kissed her, pressing the pad of her finger against the curve of his bottom lip. If she had more energy, she might have been surprised that it was her room he was in, her that she was saying these things to. Instead all the emotion she could dreg up was some kind of dulled confusion.

"But you could have anyone," she pointed out. It wasn't her trying to flatter him - she'd never felt any need to do that with Finnick - it was an honest statement of fact.

Still, she believed what he was saying, and although she knew he was doing all this to protect her, what he had to do hurt all by itself. "I know, Finn," she reassured him. Annie had never been one of those girls who cried at the drop of a hat, but for the second time in as many hours she felt her eyes fill up. She shifted forward, fitting her body against his. She didn't sob this time - she couldn't. Instead she just let tears slide unchecked down her face.

"It wasn't supposed to be like this," she told him, as if he didn't already know. "It wasn't supposed to..." Annie trailed off, wincing and pressing her forehead against his, an almost physical pain rushing through her and flashing over her features. "My head..."

Finnick had his issues, but confidence about his physical appearance and affect on the ladies was not one of them. He knew what she said was true - that he likely could have nearly any lady he wanted, if he set his mind to it. There sure seemed plenty that were always lining up to spend time with him.

But he didn't want any of them. He just didn't. They were all the same. Shallow, conceited Capitol dolls who didn't understand life, or what was important. They fussed and worried more about their hair and eyebrows than the lives of the children who were starving in Eleven and Twelve. They cared more about making a fool of themselves at parties than the children they watched dying in the arena. To be honest, they made him absolutely sick.

Annie, on the other hand...

He looked at her, pulling her closer as she winced, stroking her hair as if that could somehow ease the turmoil within.

"I don't want anyone but you," he muttered. "And it's never the way it's supposed to be, but when you're here, and with me like this, it feels damn close."

Closer than it had in a long time, anyway.

Annie eventually settled, body and mind relaxing as he held her close. This was better than any of the sedatives and drugs they'd pumped into her after they'd pulled her from the water. The Medic's idea of treating the suddenly "mad" Annie had only made her all the more numb and cold. This was warm and comfortable and felt about as close to being at home as she could imagine while still being in the Capitol.

And she really didn't want him to leave.

"Will you come straight back?" she asked him, keeping her face hidden in his chest. Annie wound her arms around him, sliding her hands under the layers of clothing to touch the skin in the small of his back. "Please, Finn?"

Finnick let out a small sigh at the touch of her hand on his bare skin. He yearned to tell her that he could stay, that he could stay the night here, with her, to hell with his obligations - but for her safety and his own it was simply not something he could do.

"Yes," he breathed, his voice quiet and intense. "The second I can leave, I'll come back here to you." He took her other hand and put it over his heart. "But the important part of me will be here with you the whole time, Annie."

Annie sighed and shifted up until her forehead toched his, her face a hairs breadth from his. She stretched out her fingers so her hand was flat against his chest, feeling his heart beating into her palm. She supposed that she could deal with that, being the one he came back to each time for as long as this lasted. She didn't know if she could keep him for long - she knew she didn't match up to the usual standards of Capitol girls and the rest. Especially not now.

She didn't want to be mad. She didn't want to be like this forever. The way they all looked at her...

Annie took a shuddering breath, shifting until she was comfortably tangled up in him.

"I'll wait for you," she told him quietly, letting her eyes drift closed. Perhaps if she fell asleep now, she wouldn't have to go through him leaving, and when she woke it would be like he hadn't left at all. Of course, with the mess of her thoughts that was easier said than done.

Finnick waited until the last possible moment to leave. He didn't want to leave at all - he wanted to stay, with Annie wrapped in his arms, and sleep there where he was safe and loved and nobody would hurt him.

But it wasn't to be.

She was quiet when Johanna arrived, and he was forced to leave, and he hoped she was asleep. Things would be simpler for her, then.

~~~~~~~~~~~

It was early morning when he returned, the sky starting to soften, but the sun had not yet broken the horizon. Slipping in silently, he went immediately to the shower, taking the longest, hottest shower he could stand, his skin a scalded red when he finally stepped out. Needing desperately to feel covered, and not so vulnerable, he dressed in sleep-pants and a shirt before crawling back into bed with Annie, trembling. As he held her, the trembling slowed, and he nestled in closer to her, feeling that he had come home again.

Annie had been asleep when he'd left. When she'd been woken by a nightmare some hours later, it had been in a cold bed with a face she didn't recognise watching her. She'd screamed, and hadn't been able to stop. Eventually, despite the girl's protestations, they'd put something sharp into her arm and whatever flooded her veins put invisible weights on her limbs and dragged her back down into sleep.

When she woke up the next time, Finnick was just climbing into bed beside her. Still sore and exhausted, Annie kept her eyes shut, feeling the warm moisture that clung to him from the shower and the gentle trembling of his body. She reached up to rub soothing circles on his arm, not wanting to think about what had happened to him but finding it impossible.

"Are you okay, Finn?" she asked him gently, finally opening her eyes sleepily, concern obvious in her gaze.

"I'm fine," he said softly, snuggling in as close as he could to her. In reality, he was far from fine, but he didn't want to talk about how he really was. Damaged and hurting and vulnerable and afraid, and really anything but fine.

He just wanted to hold her, to be close to her, to feel her warmth and softness. He wanted not to feel dirty holding a woman, and to hold a woman that he loved. One who, just maybe, needed him as much as he needed her.

"How are you? You look sleepy. You should go back to sleep. I'm not going anywhere now."

"Liar," Annie murmured back, although she didn't push it any further, instead letting him nestle in closer. If Finnick didn't want to tell her something, then that was fine. After all, in the grand scheme of things they didn't know each other that well, even if it felt like she was closer to him than anyone else at this moment.

"I don't want to sleep," she told him, a little stubbornly. Evem if the best rest she'd had recently had been when Finnick had been lying with her, there was a part of her that was still terrified of sleeping. Annie's voice became quieter, and she settled until her head rested on his chest.

"Can you make them all just... leave me alone?" she whispered. Perhaps she had too much faith on Finnick's influence over the staff and people who worked on the games, but she didn't want to be styled any more, or given sedatives that made her numb and empty. After what had happened in the arena she'd rather hurt than that.

"I just..don't want to think about it," he said more softly. "And I am fine now that I'm back with you."

It hadn't been a particularly terrible night, as his 'dates' went. They hadn't hit him, or made him do anything especially horrible. But he hadn't wanted to be there, he hadn't wanted to do that with her, and he'd had to leave Annie, which broke his heart.

"Do you want to talk?" he said softly, tucking her hair behind her ear. "I can listen, Annie. You can tell me anything, you know that, right?"

Truth was, he was far more worried about her than he was about himself. He knew he could survive whatever they put him through, but Annie seemed so...broken. And he would do anything to make that terrified look in her eyes go away.

At her question, his eyes widened a bit. He didn't know how much power he had, but he'd definitely put everything he had into making sure of it.

"I'll try, sweetheart. I'll give it everything I've got."

“Thank you,” she whispered. Annie found that when Finnick promised to try, she believed him completely, and had utter faith in him. He was perhaps the only person she’d met in the Capitol that she could say that about.

Annie traced the line of his collarbone absently, her brow creasing into a frown. “I feel like…” She trailed off, unsure how to finish that sentence. The point was it wasn’t something that made sense, or something she could really describe. She fell silent for a minute or two, screwing her eyes closed as she grappled for some purchase, trying to keep from sliding into darkness.

“I feel like I didn’t leave,” she tried again. And then the words wouldn’t stop and she heard herself as if from a distance, the way her voice sounded vaguely hysterical and her words tumbled into each other. “I keep seeing it. I’m not here, I’m there. And there’s so much noise. In my head. It hurts, Finnick. I’m… I’m scared. I don’t want to be like this forever. I can’t…” She realised suddenly that there were tears on her cheeks again, and without thinking Annie lifted her hands to press against her ears, wishing she could vanish completely.

"Shhh, shhh, Annie, it's okay. I'm here. I'm here. You're not alone, and you're not in the arena anymore..."

He held her tightly, leaning in to kiss away the tears on her face with tender kisses. Then he covered her hands with his own and carefully pulled them away.

"Look at me. Look at me. Look in my eyes. Focus on me. We can get through this, Annie, together. I know we can. Let me be strong for you."

And for the first time in ages, he felt that he actually could be strong, if it helped Annie.

It took a while, but Annie calmed down. She managed to lock her gaze with his and cling onto the connection like it was all she had to keep her from drowning, using what he was saying to pull herself back. Eventually she relaxed, the arena vanishing to be replaced by the room, which was just starting to fill with light as the sun began to come up.

Eyes still red and puffy, Annie leaned in to cup his cheek in her hand and touch her forehead against his. She tilted her jaw to kiss him softly, making it last as long as she could. She needed that contact, she realised. With Finnick there the idea or perhaps living like this was a lot less frightening. But in the light of what he’d told her and where he’d been tonight, there was something hanging over her.

“They won’t let us be together.” She didn’t think she had to explain which ‘they’ she was referring to.

Finnick kissed her back, his very being needing the contact as much as hers did. Something real, something pure, something he wanted, rather than having contact forced upon him by the Capitol. It was so special, so important, to have contact that he chose, that he wanted...it made him feel less vulnerable, less afraid, less...a victim, although he couldn't put into words exactly how. He deepened the kiss, also holding it for as long as she could, pulling her body as close against his as he could.

"They can't stop us," he almost growled, angry at the thought of the Capitol taking away this one good thing, as he was sure they would try to do. He kissed her again, with a deep desperation. "I need you, Annie."

Annie returned the kiss just as fiercely, allowing her body to be pulled flush against his. Finnick was strong and solid, and she felt safer here with him touching her than she had since she'd gone into the arena. Probably since the reaping itself weeks ago. "I love you," she breathed, once they'd pulled apart. She knew she'd already said it, but it felt important that he knew. She just wanted to make him happy as best she could.

"I need to sleep," she admitted, nuzzling her face into the curve of his neck, draping a slender arm over his chest. She didn't want to - she wanted to stay here talking to him - but she hadn't been sleeping much, and the few hours she'd got in Finnick's absence hadn't exactly been peaceful.

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After the 70th Hunger Games [Closed to Finnick]

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